The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
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[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
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smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
i would wish you the best but i am the best
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend