The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
You Might Also Like
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.