Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

I just ran a .003048K

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

I’m really happy being single

Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.