@_NinJar

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

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@UncleDuke1969

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

@TheGrimKing

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

@CheeseDaydreams

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

@SteveKoehler22

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

@online_shawn

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

@wolfpupy

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

@RorynotRoy

“How fast can you hack into the system!?” “20-25 minutes.” “You’ve got 10 minutes!” “Okay, well then I can’t.” – real life spy dialogues

@dumbbeezie

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

@AwkwardComedy

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”