The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
You Might Also Like
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Squirrels before girls.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Oh deer
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.