The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

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Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.


Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.


My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.


Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.


Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan


none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box


“How fast can you hack into the system!?” “20-25 minutes.” “You’ve got 10 minutes!” “Okay, well then I can’t.” – real life spy dialogues


What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us


“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”