Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

When I snag the last meatball.

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

My boss: So… [dramatic pause]

Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?