Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.

Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

Me: When hippos-

Date: Yeah, I heard…

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER