Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

Sorry I made promises on Friday

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

Fidel Castro was alive?

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”