The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
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Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.