The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
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Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
a public service announcement
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
A ghost story
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
hackers play passwordle
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.