Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

Regular gangs give you a nickname

Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.

Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*

Gandalf: ffs

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.