Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

but that was my emotional support daylight

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

Was it something I said?

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve

Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*

OH SHIT

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.