Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”

*door opens*

BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!

watching gymnastics

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!

Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed

5: I neeeeeeed one!

Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]

5: not there! On my arm!