Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did

2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un

1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp