The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
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thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Best table by far
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“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs