Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

What

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

Moms. The original autocorrect.

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon

me: look up at the sky???

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants