Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.

ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ

HER:

ME:

HER:

ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ

HER: You have a problem.

I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

I’m being attacked 😭

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

car not found

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!