The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
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*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
(True)
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.