The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
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the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
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Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.