The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
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My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
and this one
Teach your children to beatbox
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.