Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

the noise i just made

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

Wife: Hey can you-

Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.

Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

[the middle of showering] I need a break

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.