Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.

Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]

AND ANOTHER THING

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”

Dragons: what does it do?

Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.

Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?

There are hundreds.

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

Me: My son is pathologically literal.

“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”

Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

Me: Why aren’t you in bed?

5: I need smooth jazz.

Me: Uh what?

5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.