The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
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When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.