The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
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I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
True statement👍😏😁
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch