The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
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[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
New nose
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
oh she’s cooked
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.