The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
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Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.