the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
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Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
What kind of a cult is this?
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.