The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
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I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Voting is the worst group project
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
This is my bus stop.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.