Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”

What are a comedian’s pronouns?

He/he/he

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.