The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
You Might Also Like
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Festive toon…
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
