“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
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Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I didn’t know they can drive…
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I try
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge