“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck