“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
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gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Bike for sale
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends