the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
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If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
you’re so productive for your wage
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself