the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
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My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Brother?
