the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
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before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
japanese corn
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs