the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
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Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
no cat here
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
The best plant holders?
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.