the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
You Might Also Like
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Do not levitate over flowers
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.