Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

me: hi do you take walk-ins

the morgue: what

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

3yo: I hate vegetables!

Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?

3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!

Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out