The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
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[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)