Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

I see your IQ test came back negative

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: omg, me too

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products

Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car