Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous

me: hey, danger’s my middle name

daughter: WHAT?!?

son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.

They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts

Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.