The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
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good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I am absolutely never leaving this website
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
