I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
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Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.