the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
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My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”