Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *