The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
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[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
And they lived apathetically ever after.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction