The holiday season is fast approaching. Letās celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. š©
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*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Whereās Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] Heāsā¦ right here?
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
[leaving a birthday party with my piƱata friend] i swear i didnāt know they were going to do that
āJust take me homeā
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Motherās Day
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: Iām going to celebrate with cake!
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an āessential workerā but it might be ādifficult for the bunny to get everywhereā in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when Iām not in a car
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Next time someone says āIām a huggerā and tries to hug me Iām gonna say āIām a biterā and see how it goes.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
giddy up Office Depot
run away with me except weāre driving so weāll mostly sit
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
ā..so thatās the story of Christmas. Questions?ā
Where do turtledoves come from?
āWell, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..ā
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering Iām a freak but not that talented
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, Iām not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
My son just let a girl āborrowā his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
*Last week on āModels Who Werenāt Expecting To Be Eaten By Bearsā*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
āDonāt be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we canā