The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
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car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.