Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

Manager: just got a quick little job for you

Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.