Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

A policeman stops a car…

Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”

Miner: “Mine.”

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

At least try to make it slightly believable

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*

HOT POCKET

Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.