The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
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If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”