The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
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Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
When you’re here for the treats.
you’re damn right i have
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Just why bro?!
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.