The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
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“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
this has done me in for some reason
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Donkey Kong sommelier
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.