Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

Employee: please stop

Me: I’m just finding the right avocado

Employee: people usually just squeeze it

Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

are they though??

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.