Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

my New Year’s Eve plans:

– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

This is hilarious….

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

“Wrong house guys.”

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

“Yup, happens a lot.”

OKAY COOL, SORRY.

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.