The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
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Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.