Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
You Might Also Like
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.