Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”

Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”

Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”

When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

rich people when they have to pay taxes

Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?