Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,

IT’S NOT.

except for that one from earlier

maybe?

Regards,
Ry

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*