The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
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I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?