Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

My dinosaur expert child just schooled me

Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?

5yo: They have different names

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

The future is now.

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.