The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
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I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?