Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know

self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings

elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

breakfast, the most important beer of the day

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!