Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

[First date]

DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.

ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.

DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?

ME: It’s not my arm.

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

Husband: *choking on a Dorito*

Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.

#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!

Me: How about a guillotine?

Wife:

Me: I’ll be on the couch.

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.

Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors