Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

[spelling bee]

“Your word is stupid”

ME: Well give me a different one then

“No, that’s your word…stupid”

ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

To clean up or just move. This is the question.

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

fly smarter, not harder

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”

Guys, I think I just saw future me.

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.

HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!

ME: That’s fine