Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.

i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

emergency phone

rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month

Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

Friend- Are you tired?

Me- Nope, just ugly.

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

Bruh

Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Roarrrr… get it?

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.