The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
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Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”