The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
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“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.