The honesty is refreshing
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No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Home #decor warning.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn’t get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
😂
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.