The honesty is refreshing
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Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.