The honesty is refreshing
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Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
i guess his teacher was really pissed