The honesty is refreshing
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What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.