The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
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[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
crazy
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming