The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
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ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
this made my day 😂
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,
IT’S NOT.
except for that one from earlier
maybe?
Regards,
Ry
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners