The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
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tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Cop lights are so pretty at night
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”