The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
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The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that