The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
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I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Trumpy Cat
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
“HELP WITH CAT”
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!