The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
You Might Also Like
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
christening a ship with an overripe banana
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.