Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!

Henchman: In the h-

K: In the stomach, yes!

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u