The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
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ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.